My underwear smells like fireworks.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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