Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
