I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
