I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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