I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
