I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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