Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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