I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
