Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
