Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize