So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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