You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
