We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
It's no shave November. This is our time.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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