I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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