dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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