pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
