I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize