Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
We left the knife in your bed.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize