Plan B is the new Plan A
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
