you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize