I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
