Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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