I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
