mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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