I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
