true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize