he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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