If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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