Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
i think i just lost a toe
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize