That's when you crack a 10am beer
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
