i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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