sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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