My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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