Who did Billy Mays play for?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
