I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Someone signed my nipple.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
