I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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