he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
