I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
