I can text with my tongue
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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