I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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