I think I won the penis lottery.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
