can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
