We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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