I forgot how hot balto sounded
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
