the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
sarcasm needs its own font
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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