Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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