No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
