Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize