I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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