So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize