Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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