I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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