I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
