God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
