who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
