Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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