she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
