My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
