i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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