Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
