put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Still dying that you shit outside
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
