how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
