I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
