So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
